“There are patterns which emerge in one’s life, circling and returning anew, an endless variation of a theme”― Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Chosen
Life is funny. Sometimes it feels like life takes you full circle right back to where you need to be. The chaos and turmoil that has been my life over the past year have managed to take me precisely where I need to be. Ten years ago, I was young and bright eyed. I was a preschool teacher at a prestigious academy. I loved my work and I loved the environment. I loved spending time with friends. I loved enjoying the sunshine. I loved quiet moments of personal reflection. But inside, I was broken. I was a self-conscious, insecure girl completely unsure of who she was. I was a closeted lesbian. I was ashamed of who I was and I was ashamed of my past. I was broken from years of trying to be someone I wasn’t. I was seeking love and acceptance in the wrong way and from the wrong people. But, ten years ago, I met Jade.
Jade and I worked for the same preschool. Both of us were closeted lesbians afraid to admit who we were to ourselves, much less to anyone else. We immediately connected with one another. We immediately became kindred spirits who needed each other like we need air to breathe. Naturally cautious of the implications of how our budding romance would affect our ability to remain closeted in our workplace coupled with the fear of loss of employment if our respective sexual orientations were ever discovered by management (or worse – one of the students’ parents), we felt it best that I should leave the school and enter a different field. So, I went forward into the world working positions that gave me a sense of accomplishment but lacked the sense of daily joy that teaching provided me.
Now, ten years later, Jade is the one who has supported me and has pushed me to return to my passion: Teaching. While I can’t tell you what my plans are five years from now, since I have returned to teaching preschool, I feel alive. Teaching is helping me refocus my drive and to take more time thinking of the positive impact I can have on the world – even if my world consists predominantly of two year olds! Life has brought me full circle professionally and has brought Jade and I back into the environment where we first met. I find it incredibly ironic. But, such is life. I like to think my life is a spiral rather than a circle – I may repeat the patterns but ultimately I’m rising higher in life.
In other news:
- Still no concrete baby making plans. During my time of limited employment, our finances and our savings took a major hit. As it stands, despite having some fertility coverage as part of my health insurance plan, we can’t currently afford to additional $1,000 per attempt (donor sprem + IUI procedure cost + co-pays) as a monthly expense.
- PCOS is from the devil. No period since last December. I hate Metformin and can’t find the willpower to just suck it up and deal with the awful side-effects the pills cause. I’ve gained at least 10 pounds (which is precisely what makes PCOS worse).
- I’ve missed blogging but since I’m not actively TTC, I feel like you lovely readers have better things to do than to listen to my oh so random posts.
- My goddaughter started preschool this week. So far, it’s a love/hate relationship.
- My neice started preschool this week. So far it’s definitely a hate/hate relationship.