Waning Days

Anne was released from the palliative care unit today. She’s returned home and is under the care of hospice for the remainder of her days here on Earth.

Today was hard. She looked do weak in that hospital bed we’ve set up in her room. The family has collectively made the decision to discontinue dialysis and to turn off her pacemaker. Anne signed a DNR today. 14 days is our best guesstimate.

For me, the most striking thing is how it seems Anne looks through us. She has one foot in this world and the other one in the next. All I want for her is peace. Peace seems elusive.

At times, my heart is heavy. I find my resolve of steel faltering. Every day we are one step closer to losing the matriarch of this side of the family. Cancer sucks. It’s ugly. It’s painful. It’s cruel. Anne’s days are waning and the next chapter is beginning.

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5 thoughts on “Waning Days

  1. We lost my father-in-law to cancer earlier this year, so I think I can relate to what you’re currently going through. His cancer was aggressive and it heartbreaking to watch him decline. My thoughts are with you and with Anne and I hope you all can spend as much time together as possible during these next two weeks. xoxo

  2. I lost my best friend to leukemia a number of years ago after 9 months of struggle, and leaving my job to spend as much time caring for her as a could. We are at home with her in the last two weeks after leaving the hospital, and I remember this part with piercing clarity – these, these are the hardest days. One day you may find peace in having been there. I’m grateful, now, to know that Amanda was surrounded by people who loved her, even as she became less aware of us. I’m so very, very sorry. I’m thinking of you.

    • Thank you for your well wishes and for the reassurance that being in this place is the right thing to do. These days are the most difficult. It’s so hard watching someone slip away before our eyes.

  3. I wish I had words of solace or could offer a hug. This is really hard and I’m thinking of you as you, Anne, and your family navigate this terrible period and slowly begin rebuilding in the next phase.

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