“There seems to be a kind of order in the universe…in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own.” – Katherine Anne Porter
Fall is approaching. Leaves are accruing outside of my window. The seasons are changing. My life is in a transitional phase and I don’t know what to do with all of my emotions.
Jade and I got into a strong discussion last night about the direction of our lives. I won’t elaborate on the discussion now but ultimately, it led to us getting little sleep last night and left a bit of distance between us. At this point, I don’t think it’s anything she and I can’t work through but it has left me feeling vulnerable and uncertain nonetheless.
Anne’s health continues to fail. Lately, she has had a lot of balance issues. She falls often even with the assistance of a walker. My heart breaks as I feel death is approaching. She’s lost so much weight; she has no appetite. She is losing her ability to control her bladder and bowel functions. She’s confused more often than not and is lashing out at the people around her. We all try to be supportive and understanding. We are trying to surround her with love and understanding. I wish I could take away her suffering. Greg, Anne’s husband, is home with her during the day. He isn’t in the best of health himself (uncontrollable type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure) so assisting Anne with her day-to-day needs are becoming overwhelming for him even with the support of hospice home health aides. Today, Greg mentioned that perhaps Anne should go into inpatient hospice care. The entire family collectively balked at his suggestion. My fervent hope is that he will choose to hire an in-home care provider. I don’t want to imagine Anne spending her final days in a nursing home of sorts.
Jade and I get the keys to our new house tomorrow. More on that front later.
It wasn’t my intention to turn this blog into a space to discuss cancer but this blog serves as a space for me to write about my life. At present, cancer is a major part of it. Please bear with me as we go through this season of change.