Long Time, No Post

Hi Folks!  It’s been twelve days since my last post here.  And it has been one busy twelve days.  Here’s what’s going on in my neck of the woods:

Work has been incredibly stressful.  I manage multiple nonprofit associations with limited budgets and mountainous desires.  My profession takes me city to city and sometimes country to country in a valiant effort to encourage sustainability among the nonprofits in my fold.  I love what I do but it is exhausting.  I like to think I’m good at my job (great even) but lately, my motivation and drive have been lacking.  The last two weeks have been filled with lots of extra work to make these clients successful.

Home has been chaotic.  Since Jade and I decided not to move to Atlanta, we have done absolutely nothing to prepare for moving from our condo into the new home we’ve acquired.  Nothing.  I have 18 days until the moving truck arrives and I’ve packed exactly nine boxes.  Motivation = Lacking

Social Life is very much nonexistent.  My best friend of fifteen years, Heather, finally moved back to town.  While I’m ecstatic to have her here, at times her presence reminds me of how much better of a friend I am to her than she is to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Heather.  We have literally been friends since we were awkward fifteen year old girls at band camp (yes, band camp – don’t laugh).  She is an amazing mother to two daughters (kindergarten and third grade).  She understands me.  But her presence has reminded me that she and I have one core problem in our relationship:  She is only a good friend when she needs something from me.  Right now, she is post divorce (by 3 years) and post long-term relationship breakup (by three months) and she needs me.  Right now, she calls and texts me regularly.  Right now, she shows some desire to hang out.  But I know very well that when things for her start to improve emotionally, she won’t really be available to me.  When I need her, she may or may not be around.  But for now, she is present and she is my best friend.  I really hope that she and I can develop a stronger relationship moving forward.  More on this topic later.

Family is fickle.  My sister still acts as if she resents me.  Jade often catches my sister giving me the dirtiest looks whenever I am holding and playing with my niece.  Jade’s family is just as colorful as my own.  Her sister, Anne, is losing her battle with cancer at an increasing pace.  Today is her birthday and we are all so grateful that she made it to another one.  I’m less optimistic that she will see this day again next year.  In the past two weeks, hospice has had to come visit Anne more.  She is dependent on oxygen at night.  Her mobility is now dependent on the use of a walker.  She complains of pain every day.  It breaks my heart.  I am looking forward to moving closer to her (even though she can be a pain in the ass for reasons unrelated to her illness).  Jade’s other sister, Jenny (the closet homophobe), is helping out as much as possible but that one has issues of her own to contend with anyway.

Fertility is mostly nonexistent.  I have an appointment with Dr. M on September 30th.  We will discuss our options and next steps then.  Since the end of my last period, I have had a great deal of breakthrough bleeding.  That has finally subsided.  I’m not noticing any signs of impending ovulation.  I don’t really expect anything different.  Jade and I are stretched pretty thin financially right now anyway with this forthcoming move so we wouldn’t be able to attempt to make a baby even if I were ovulating.

My god-daughter, Riley, is my sunshine.  It’s really hard to describe.  This eighteen month old girl fills a room with so much sunshine and happiness.  When I’m stressed, she manages to take my mind off of everything with her toddler laughs and innocence.  When I’m sad, she makes me laugh with her antics or by doing something completely hilarious (like eating out of the trash can – more on this story later).  She partially fills the void I have around my desire to become a mother.  Riley thinks I am the sun.  I still can’t fathom how someone so small can make such a major impact.

Overall, things are moving in my world.  Shifting. Crumbling. Falling.  Rebuilding.  We are in flux and I am struggling to keep up.

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4 thoughts on “Long Time, No Post

  1. This was enlightening… This time is really crazy for you. I’m so glad you’ve got your sweet goddaughter to center you in all of the chaos. Let me k-now if there’s anything I can do!

  2. I can completely relate to you about your god-daughter filling the void…partially. My 2 year old niece and nephew and the lights of my life right now. I would like exact replicas of them. They are kind, sweet and funny. But…as we all know…we still would love to have that for ourselves…not just borrowed from time to time. Looking forward to hearing about your journey.

    • That is decidedly the downside. It is borrowed time. And while I find comfort in my time with her, her departure reaffirms my intrinsic need to be a mother. And so we trudge onward…

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