“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.” – Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four
I am no Suzy Sunshine. That is one thing I know for certain. People who know me in real life would tell you that I am a fairly optimistic realist. I’m more like Polly Positivity. I really try hard to find the silver lining in every dark cloud. This morning, I really struggled to find it. So I blogged. I told all of you my story. I shared my hurt and anger. I expressed my frustration. I phoned Jade and she was, as always, super supportive. She is always my rock. And then I read your blogs and found stillness and peace. I resigned myself to the fact that I cannot control everything. Sometimes one has to let go (which is especially difficult for me). The hardest thing for me is feeling like we are giving up too soon. Today is Day 16 – sometime people ovulate late. Maybe I’m just one of those folks.
An hour ago, Dr. M, herself, called to give me the results of my blood testing. It turns out, all is not lost. My Estradiol levels have risen as compared to two days ago. She gave me the option of canceling this month or trying to throw everything we have at it. Now, I am a Capricorn (read: tenacious, stubborn, driven), so naturally I am inclined to play all of the cards I’ve been dealt. So, we are going to stay the course for two more days before making a final decision. For the next two nights, I will continue the Follistim injections at a higher dosage of 125iu and go back in to the RE for a scan Friday morning.
I’ve never shied away from a challenge so why start now? At least this course will allow me to feel like I have given this cycle all I have to give. Anyone who has followed my story will note that my biggest issue with Attempt #2 is that I felt like we gave up too quickly. If we cancel Friday, though I may disappointed, it will be easier because 1) I will be out of Follistim and 2) I will know that I fought hard. Also, this higher dosage will give Dr. M to evaluate how my body responds to 125iu of recombinant FSH in the event we do end up needing to do a full injectable cycle.
And that is my silver lining. There’s a small glimmer of hope and I will gladly take it.
Oh, and as a side note, I find it incredibly humorous and ironic that our previously gloomy weather (which matched my gloomy mood) has dissipated. The sun is shining between the clouds – much like my own mood.