Another Cancelled Cycle?

Today I am sad.  

I had another appointment with Franny today for an ultrasound and estradiol check.  After waiting for more than an hour, I was finally called back  into the ultrasound room.  Just as I feared, the ultrasound showed lots of follicles but minimal growth.  Franny advised that this cycle has a 99% likelihood of being cancelled pending Dr. M’s recommendations.  My next step would be an injectable only cycle – at a much higher cost.

I am so disappointed.  I’m emotional and angry.  I’m sad.

I feel like I work so hard but nothing seems to work.  Apparently, Femara (letrozole) doesn’t work.  Clomid doesn’t work.  Combination Clomid + Follistim doesn’t work.  This body doesn’t ovulate.  Ever.

I stupidly let myself get my hopes up that maybe this cycle would work.  I thought that perhaps the positive juju around me (no co-pay, free Follistim AQ cartridges, etc.) were all signs that this may just be my month.

Disappointed again.

This cycle will likely be the last one Jade and I do for quite some time.  As I mentioned in passing before, we are uprooting our lives and moving to Atlanta.  That means a change in insurance.  That means even less fertility coverage.  That means no RE visits.  My current BCBS coverage would remain in effect here in this state until the end of the year but driving the 2+ hours between our new home in Atlanta and here isn’t feasible and sustainable.

I feel defeated.

So here we are.  Stuck.

The weather outside of my window is dreary and overcast.  The sky is full of dark clouds threatening to burst.

A fitting reflection of my current state – dark and troubled.  

I normally try to find the bright side to everything but I just don’t have it in me to go searching today.  I am frustrated that I can’t get my body to ovulate properly.  I’m frustrated that I can’t get to the insemination stage.  I am annoyed by people telling me that it just isn’t my time.  I am irritated that nothing seems to go right lately. I am tired.

Today I am sad. 

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7 thoughts on “Another Cancelled Cycle?

  1. I am so so so so sorry that this cycle was also a bust. This sucks so much. I can’t help, but I am definitely commiserating with you.

  2. Dammit! I was really hoping this cycle would be a go for you. So sorry to read this. Just know, it’s okay to feel! It’s okay to have all those emotions and not offer up an apology for feeling shitty! In fact…embracing shitty feelings is important to healing. It’s okay. (Hugs)

  3. It’s ok to be disappointed, it’s expected and I would surely be the same way if I were you! Darnit. I was really rooting for you. I’m still rooting for you! There aren’t any words I can say to make it better, so I will just send you some virtual hugs!

    • Thanks. I’ll give myself a day or two to wallow in self-pity but then I will pick myself up and move onward I suppose. Thanks for your support. It doesn’t really make me feel better to be able to share the struggle with other people.

  4. I’m very sorry to hear that even one single person has ever had the thought that it wasn’t your time – let alone uttered it – in your presence. This is a really hard thing we’re doing and we haven’t got any control over it. But if you’re trying, it’s your time. I’ve got my fingers crossed that things get better.

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