Jade and I decided to be brave and take our mini vacation with my family. We packed our car and headed to the soft white sand beaches of the Florida Gulf Coast with my sister, niece, god-daughter, and both of my [divorced] parents.
It was a short, four-hour ride to my place of solace. The entire family was filled with happiness and excitement. Even my sister, Lucy, seemed to be in good spirits. Birds were singing and even my long divorced parents were getting along famously. The first twenty-four hours together were flawless.
Yes, once again, my sister found the need create negativity between us. I love my sister. I believe she is a good person. I wish we were closer but the sad reality is it will probably never happen. My sister does not like me.
Lucy is often quite mean to me. She says snarky things. She hurls veiled insults at me. I really try with her. I try to work on the way that we speak to each other. If I think I came off as hostile, I ALWAYS call back to apologize. If I believe I may have hurt her feelings, I always apologize. In fact, regardless of the situation, I always apologize. It is rare that I get the same in return. No matter how hard I work at it, I don’t understand her. She grew up with every advantage in regards to money, culture, and opportunities. She is pretty and smart. Despite this, she walks around with such a chip on her shoulder. I just don’t understand her.
Simply put: She and I are as different as night and day and I don’t understand her. My sister has the one thing in this world that I want more than anything. She has a child. She’s a mother. What I can’t seem to grasp is her lack of desire to really spend time with her six month old daughter. Lucy loves her daughter. I don’t doubt that in any sense. She enjoys spending time with her in small doses. When it comes to legitimately choosing to spend time with her versus having someone else do the work (diaper changes, feedings, baths, etc.), she consistently hands BrightEyes off to others. I just can’t understand it. Maybe it’s because I yearn to be a mother so badly that I can’t fathom constantly choosing for someone else to do these daily tasks. Lucy and I are such different people. I love her dearly but we are such different creatures.
So, my vacation was minimally relaxing. I spent so much of my time away trying to keep the peace between me and Lucy. I lost my opportunity to just unwind from a stressful career and the emotional rigors of being on the TTC roller coaster. Sadly, I returned from the beach nearly as stressed as I was when I left. And I returned to my office yesterday to an enormous pile of things to do over the next three weeks before I head to Barcelona for work. Not to mention my general apprehension about whether this cycle is going to work (my lack of symptoms from the letrozole has me doubtful) keeps me tightly wound constantly.
I am missing the lapping sound of the waves washing on the shore as it nearly feels like I was never there.
This is why we do not take vacations with my family.