False Hopes

Jade and I went to Hot Vinyasa Yoga yesterday morning. It felt so wonderful to take an hour to clear my mind of stress and worry. Yoga allows me time to focus on me. It allows the chance to clear my mind completely. I left this class feeling positive and optimistic about life and this month’s insemination.

Yesterday was cycle day 10. Per the instructions from my RE, I tested my urine between 11am – 2pm with the Clearblue Digital Ovulation Prediction Kit (OPK) for the presence of Luteinizing Hormone (LH). Since I was only on day 10, I completely expected to see a hollow circle (indicating low LH) instead of a smiley face (indicating a LH surge). Surprisingly, I got a smiley!

I immediately told Jade and called Dr. M’s office. Since it was a Saturday, the answering service had the doctor on call, Dr. S, return my call. Dr. S and I chatted for a few minutes about my OPK results and the fact that I have PCOS. Based on my responses to his questions, the fact that I have PCOS, and the fact that it was only CD 10, Dr. S was fairly confident that I am experiencing a false LH surge. I tested again today and I got another positive. I will be calling Dr. M tomorrow to discuss my next steps. I am hopeful that we will be able to salvage this cycle.

Naturally my mind is racing with all of the worst case scenarios. What if I’m still not ovulating even on Letrozole? What if this cycle is a complete bust? What if I don’t start my period? When will we be able to start the next cycle?

The next cycle has its own list of complications. Since I can’t use an OPK, I would have to go into the office regularly for blood work and ultrasounds. Jade and I have a vacation planned with my mom, dad (my mom’s ex-husband, mind you) sister, faux brother-in-law, niece, and god-daughter early May and I also have to go to Manhattan for a meeting for work. May doesn’t seem to be my month either. This entire process is so emotional for me.

I’m disappointed. I’m so disappointed that ovaries just won’t function like everyone else’s. I’m disappointed that this cycle that seemed so promising is now appearing to be difficult. Jade is doing her very best to be supportive and encouraging but I know she’s tired of hearing my whining and seeing my tears. It’s so hard to be positive when I don’t feel positive. I really hope Dr. M has some positive news for me tomorrow.

Side note: Jade & I went to our athletic club this evening to unleash some stress and who did we run into? Dr. M who made it a point to speak to us first. It was an easy reminder of why we picked her. I will be calling her in about 12 hours and I’m confident she will be direct with me regardless of where we stand with this cycle.

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One thought on “False Hopes

  1. Pingback: And Just Add Water

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