Longing

“We are homesick most for the places we have never known.”
― Carson McCullers

I am utterly in love with my niece, BrightEyes.  Since Jade now nannies for both Baby Cutie Patootie and BrightEyes, I get to spend a few precious moments with each of them everyday.  BrightEyes arrives early in the morning so she and I make it a point to have our one-on-one time singing our special “Good Morning” song daily.  Baby Cutie Patootie stays late so she and I have our one-on-one time reading and playing every evening when I return home from work.  I love both of these girls so deeply that it is hard to imagine conceiving our own child and loving him or her any more than I love my girls.

My heart aches to become a mother.  I have never been more sure of anything in my life.  It is a form of torture to watch people around you welcoming children into their lives.  My favorite cousin, Mimi, is having a baby girl of her own early this summer.  It almost feels like I am standing still while everyone else is moving forward with their lives.  Inside my heart, I am truly longing for the chance to become a mother.  I feel it in my core and I see it in my dreams.  Soon, we will be making plans to meet a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I just pray they tell me that I have decent odds of conceiving and carrying a child to term.  I will be absolutely devastated if they aren’t optimistic about my odds.

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