Sink or Swim

Wow.  Time flies.  I can’t believe how long its been since I wrote a post on this blog.  I’m happy to say that Jade and I are still very much together.  We’ve had a rough few years.  Our relationship has withstood births, deaths, marriages, divorces, moves, and an insane onslaught for bad f-ing circumstances.  But today is a new day and I still so blessed to share it with the person who has had my back through everything.

Jade and I had to put having a child of our own on the back burner for a number of reasons but we have recently been discussing it again. We’re considering using a known donor this time.  I’m three years older and though I’ve lost weight, my fertility is very much in the dumpster.  My intent is to return to blogging as we go through our attempts.  In the meantime, please say a prayer for us that this storm we have been in will finally pass.  I hope each and every one of you have found your joy and are in the best of spirits.



Coming Full Circle

“There are patterns which emerge in one’s life, circling and returning anew, an endless variation of a theme”― Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Chosen

Life is funny.  Sometimes it feels like life takes you full circle right back to where you need to be. The chaos and turmoil that has been my life over the past year have managed to take me precisely where I need to be.  Ten years ago, I was young and bright eyed.  I was a preschool teacher at a prestigious academy.  I loved my work and I loved the environment.  I loved spending time with friends.  I loved enjoying the sunshine.  I loved quiet moments of personal reflection.  But inside, I was broken. I was a self-conscious, insecure girl completely unsure of who she was.  I was a closeted lesbian.  I was ashamed of who I was and I was ashamed of my past.  I was broken from years of trying to be someone I wasn’t.  I was seeking love and acceptance in the wrong way and from the wrong people.  But, ten years ago, I met Jade.

Jade and I worked for the same preschool.  Both of us were closeted lesbians afraid to admit who we were to ourselves, much less to anyone else.  We immediately connected with one another.  We immediately became kindred spirits who needed each other like we need air to breathe.  Naturally cautious of the implications of how our budding romance would affect our ability to remain closeted in our workplace coupled with the fear of loss of employment if our respective sexual orientations were ever discovered by management (or worse – one of the students’ parents), we felt it best that I should leave the school and enter a different field.  So, I went forward into the world working positions that gave me a sense of accomplishment but lacked the sense of daily joy that teaching provided me.

Now, ten years later, Jade is the one who has supported me and has pushed me to return to my passion:  Teaching.  While I can’t tell you what my plans are five years from now, since I have returned to teaching preschool, I feel alive.  Teaching is helping me refocus my drive and to take more time thinking of the positive impact I can have on the world – even if my world consists predominantly of two year olds! Life has brought me full circle professionally and has brought Jade and I back into the environment where we first met.  I find it incredibly ironic.  But, such is life.  I like to think my life is a spiral rather than a circle – I may repeat the patterns but ultimately I’m rising higher in life.

In other news:

  • Still no concrete baby making plans.  During my time of limited employment, our finances and our savings took a major hit.  As it stands, despite having some fertility coverage as part of my health insurance plan, we can’t currently afford to additional $1,000 per attempt (donor sprem + IUI procedure cost + co-pays) as a monthly expense.
  • PCOS is from the devil.  No period since last December.  I hate Metformin and can’t find the willpower to just suck it up and deal with the awful side-effects the pills cause. I’ve gained at least 10 pounds (which is precisely what makes PCOS worse).
  • I’ve missed blogging but since I’m not actively TTC, I feel like you lovely readers have better things to do than to listen to my oh so random posts.
  • My goddaughter started preschool this week.  So far, it’s a love/hate relationship.
  • My neice started preschool this week.  So far it’s definitely a hate/hate relationship.

Changing Winds, Changing Places

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.”  ― C. JoyBell C.

Where shall I begin?  To those of you who have followed this blog for over a year, allow me to begin by apologizing for my absence over the past five months.  My life has been a trying maze over the past several months.  I have been overwhelmed in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.  As a result, I have been just trying to keep my head above water and to find my way out of the jungle.  I also had to take some time off from reading all of your blogs.  To be quite frank, I just couldn’t deal and I needed some time and space.  To those of you who have successfully conceived or given birth, I am so very happy for you.  To those of you who have been unsuccessful at conceiving or who have lost pregnancies, please know that my heart is with you.  I am sure that I will go into my experiences in a series of blog posts in the coming weeks or months.  Through it all, there have been many, many times when I have wanted to write about my experiences.  I just couldn’t seem to find the energy or the motivation.  Ironically, I recently received an email from a new blog follower who sent me a quick email just to make sure I am okay.  This three sentence email gave me the nudge I needed to return to this safe haven.  I look forward to sharing my experiences with you when time and motivation allow.  In the meantime, I am very happy to have returned to this home and to following all of your blogs.

Quick updates:

  • Jade and I are still very much together.  We just celebrated our 8th anniversary and the past six months have reminded me of the love and deep connection we share.  Jade is my rock.  She is my best friend.  She understands me in a way that no one else does.  When I was broken, she stayed by my side and picked up the pieces and helped me fit them back together.  Occasionally, she reads this blog and if you are reading this, Jade, please know this:  I love you on a level that most people seek to find in their lives.  You are the best part of me.  And even if I don’t tell you often enough, please know that I appreciate everything you are doing for me and our family.  I appreciate the sacrifices you make and I am so grateful to have you in my life.
  • Jade and I are NOT actively trying for a baby currently but we do have plans to try again late this summer.  In the meantime, I am focusing on improving my general health which has suffered a bit over the past several months.  I am focused on being in the best mental and physical shape possible.  Thanks to the new health plans offered in my area as a result of the Affordable Care Act, my insurance now covers fertility treatment and most importantly, I now have coverage for the high cost fertility injections my body requires.  This is a HUGE help to us.

If you’re still following this blog, thank you for your ongoing support.  I look forward to sharing my journey with you and continuing to follow yours.

Farewell, Dear Anne

Yesterday, we buried Anne at a National

The funeral service was beautiful. Upon entering the church, Anne’s body was nestled comfortably in a beautiful white casket. The funeral home took very good care of her. Her body appeared to be at peace. Jade’s cousin, Patrice, sang a beautiful solo. I cried deep, healing tears. By the end of the service, I was able to wipe my tears and comfort myself in the knowledge that Anne is no longer in pain. But, her absence is and always will be felt in our family.

So, as with everything, we will pick ourselves up and move forward day by day. Farrah has a long road ahead of her. I cannot imagine the level of loneliness she will feel when the dust settles and everyone goes home. I will try to be a good friend and give her space when she needs it and company when she needs it.

Greg’s health has gotten worse. He wasn’t able to attend Anne’s funeral yesterday. His carbon dioxide levels were extremely high and the doctors have put him on a breathing tube in hopes of increasing his oxygen stats. We are waiting to hear what the next steps should be at this point.

Jade and I are managing well despite the chaos surrounding us. Thank you all for your continued support.

Cancer Strikes Again…

Ever heard the expression that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Well, that clearly doesn’t apply to cancer in this family.  Yesterday, while en route to the funeral home to make arrangements for Anne’s funeral, her husband, Greg, was in a car accident. He was rushed to local hospital with concerns that his ankle was broken.  Due to his large size, the hospital transferred him to another nationally ranked hospital for a CT scan.  As it turns out, Greg’s ankle wasn’t broken but the scan revealed that he has an undetermined type of cancer that has spread through his back, legs, and lungs.  At this point, we don’t have specifics regarding the type of cancer or his treatment options.  Greg is morbidly obese, has high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, and type 2 diabetes so his prognosis doesn’t look good at this point. His breathing was erratic and the doctors considered putting him on a ventilator.  Luckily, after much intervention, it was determined that Greg didn’t need to be on a ventilator.

Three days ago, Anne lost her battle with breast cancer and today, her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  If I weren’t living in this situation, I wouldn’t believe this story to be true.  Sadly it is.

We have pushed off Anne’s funeral until Tuesday in hopes that her husband will be well enough to attend the funeral.

When it rains, it pours.